For the last few weeks, Muckheap's jaundiced eye has been observing the world from his sickbed in Liverpool. Now mercifully released there is only one possible observation to make. Hell truly is other peoples visitors.

You could hear them coming from the other end of the corridor, a sort of rhytmic scraping sound as pairs of enormous, varicose thighs rubbed together.  Each one supporting half and acre of buttock  wrapped in a white crimplene mini-skirt, they would wobble into the ward.

Then of course there was the daily face off over the chairs. A pair of  women would enter the ward neck and neck, both would be nearly blue by the time they had wheezed across the room to where the not enough chairs were kept.  The best bit would be when they both then grabbed the same chair. Gimlet eye would meet gimlet eye, as each flashed the "my brother can do more damage than yours, and we know where you live" message. 

One would have to let go, and the other swept the chair away, then  with an even louder wheeze she would sit down staring at the vanquished woman with a look of triumph, one butt-cheek over flowing each side of the chair.  There she would sit  motionless, knees two feet apart, whilst the vanquished woman adopted ever more agonised poses loudly telling her relatives how bad her "bach" was paining her, and how she would have to have time off work on the "sich" if she couldn't get to sit down soon.

Occasionally she would get her revenge at the end of visiting, when as the woman who had been seated stood up the chair went too, as it had got wedged in between her vast buttocks. If she was quick, the loser could dart in and start pulling to try to overcome the suction.  For this she would need help so she could summon this shouting "Give us a hand someone, this woman's arse is so big its sucked the chair in"  This is however a high risk manoeuvre, as it has been known for someone get sucked right in, never to be seen again.

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